Category Archives: Love and Mercy

Empathy Closes the Gap

Finding ways to relate to the “other”

Bring anger and pride under your feet, turn them into a ladder and climb higher.- Rumi

In the wake of the events in Charlottesville, I believe we each have been deputized as ambassadors of good will. When things become so ugly, it is easy to get drawn into the rabbit hole of fear and contempt. While it is certainly important to speak out strongly against hatred, it is vital to stand as love. That is the strongest aspect of our being. Being able to align ourselves with our compassion will allow more people to recognize and come back to their own humanity.

Isis, neo Nazis, the KKK and similar terrorist groups represent a cancer that can claim us if we become disenfranchised from our hearts. Many people are drawn into those groups because of a prolonged isolation from love.

It becomes all too easy to put people out of our hearts when we are confronted by violence and atrocities fueled by ignorance, greed and fear. The motivation for us to strive not to give into hatred ourselves, is the toll it takes on our internal being, peace of mind and overall health. If we allow fear and loathing to dictate our speech and actions, the outer circle that we banish our “enemies” to, will start to contaminate the inner circle of our loved ones, as well as everything we hold dear.

I have talked to friends who have survived family abuse who said they finally came to forgiveness, not because they would ever condone what was done, but because it was the only way they could survive and have any semblance of wholeness.

One of the things, I believe, that has opened this floodgate of hate crimes is our increasing inability to talk to one another across a widening divide. While leaders have used fear of the “other” to gain personal power, average citizens are drawn into factions. They are carefully segregated and become calloused towards folks with who they might otherwise have been able to find common ground.

Professor of Sociology, Rob Willer, points out in his TED talk that many of us are going into our separate ideological silos. We watch different news, have different friends, we are reluctant to date someone from a different party and don’t want our children to marry across political lines. His suggestion for bridging the gap between us is what he calls “moral reframing.” It is recognizing that everyone has their own moral values. When you are speaking to someone about a button-pushing issue for them, use language that embraces their morals. Certain terminology that will allow them to let down their defenses long enough to actually listen to you.

I believe that life is, in part, a game of semantics. We all have a set of vocabulary words that we feel define our beliefs. We also have a set of words that set off flares for us. The key in this game is not to have the person you are trying to reach pull up the stakes of their circus tent and hit the highway on you.

“Moral reframing” will obviously be much harder to practice with people who have been indoctrinated into a hate group, but even within those dark circles, there are those who can still be reached.

I used to watch To Kill a Mockingbird every year, to remind myself what it means to be human. In one of the most powerful scenes, a small girl innocently dispels a lynch mob by talking kindly to one of its ring leaders, who seems to wake up and remember that he is a family man and a decent person at heart.

The time is now to start reaching out to those who have not yet reached the place where they are susceptible to becoming inhuman. This tragedy in Charlottesville, and the one in Barcelona, have shaken us up. There is a window of opportunity for us to start a conversation. I am not suggesting we start with the people perpetrating the violence but with people we know, maybe within our family, who belong to a different political party, who may be feeling the need to reach out as well.

We all feel innately that we are in the right. I was taught in theater school that when playing a villain, you do not play them as if they are choosing to be evil but make the audience feel, “But for the grace of God, there go I.”

Rob Willer ended his talk with the words, “Empathy and respect.” These are the pillars that hold up the building we are all sharing. They are the key to every philosophical and religious understanding.

It is also only natural that, with the tensions we are retaining, with all we encounter in the news, that we will use humor to lighten our perspective. While I am a fan of certain political comedy, and applaud the comedian’s ability to spotlight truth in the face of tyranny, I also know that there is a certain point where I can find myself tipping into vindictiveness.

I recognize that when we continue to insult and hurt one another’s feelings, it escalates our collective antagonism. The result has become increasingly more violent. We can begin to find ways to relate to those we consider to be “other” in small ways. The Hindu teacher, Yogananda recommended that we become “smile millionaires.” I have personally found that a genuine smile offered without an ulterior motive, can dismantle walls.

Perhaps practicing “moral reframing” even before we look for the right words to say to one another starts with a willingness to admit that those “other” people are still people, even when they are consciously or unconsciously identifying as monsters. If we are not at the place where we can admit that yet, then we can start by becoming more human ourselves.

 

“I can see you are me in disguise, let me wipe the tears from your eyes.”- The Levins

 

In the shadow of the country club

“Let man be noble,

Generous and good:

For that alone

Distinguishes him

From all the Living

Beings we know…

…Let the noble man

Be generous and good.

Tirelessly achieving

What is just and useful:

Let him be a model

For those beings whom he surmises.”- Goethe

(And her too, by God!)

Having finally watched the movie Spotlight, I was outraged and saddened. The movie follows the investigative reporters in Boston verifying the local and then world-wide systematic abuse of children by priests. I remembered a bumper sticker that said, “If you are not furious, you’re not paying close enough attention.” My old roommate used to say that “Things are always much darker than people think,” and I would counter with, “Things are much lighter than people are aware of.”

Spotlight

Religion has often been compared to a country club. It is the smugness of the members of the club regarding this abuse that rots its foundation.  My friend Drake Powe has often pointed out to me that wherever there is a strong light there will be a strong shadow.

Watching the show Call the Midwife, I am moved to tears almost every time at the humanity of the nuns in East London.  This show is taken from an actual account of life as a midwife in the nineteen fifties.  These dedicated women use their faith, not as a smug affiliation that allows them to leave their responsibility at the door but motivates them to roll up their sleeves and provide service, mercy and kindness to many who have never received these things in sustaining portions.

Call the Midwife

My friend Janeen once said if women ran the various religions they would be not only closer to God but beneficial to human beings as well.  While I tend to agree with her, we all have to take responsibility for our shadows.

Yesterday, I read an article * written by a young man who went to a Trump rally, expecting it to be funny and he was horrified at the crowd’s ugly, antagonizing intolerance towards any protesters. Even a man silently wearing a shirt that said, “Love is the answer,” was thrown out and ridiculed.

A group of farmers fought the most powerful army in the world to create the first nation in history that was not ruled by a dictator or a king but by the people for the people.  Here is our shadow abdicating love and responsibility using the word Freedom to justify hatred, racism and greed. We are bigger than this.  We are stronger than this and each of us individually, while not being perhaps as strong or consistent as the nuns in Call the Midwife can make a difference despite our shortcomings and fluctuations.

It is never too late to exercise freedom of choice. May we choose freedom for ourselves and those around us.

*- http://m.dailykos.com/story/2016/3/11/1499735/-Trump-Rally-No-Joking-Matter

The music of our unmarred wholeness

I finally got to see Love and Mercy about Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys. It really illuminates how his genius was intertwined with a high level of sensitivity; an enlightened perception that became madness when the delicate balance needed to maintain his musical vision was upset by various external factors. What stuck me was how much one person in our lives bringing love and mercy can overcome the bludgeoning effects of cruelty and the ego’s need to dominate joy.

Brian can hear music in his head and is able to translate what he hears to other musicians. This is his way of connecting to his source.

Whatever we call our source, from love to the stream, by opening up our hearts and aligning our being with the music of our unmarred wholeness and sending it out in waves, we can alleviate suffering in the world.

“We think we are separate individuals and so all of our actions are involved in maintaining this separateness. Protecting it, feeding it, clothing it, moving it around and everything we do actually keeps that illusion of separateness going. That’s who I am, I’m me and your you; it’s obvious isn’t it? Yea, they say. On one level it’s obvious but people who know say there’s only one of us. And so if we are not planting seeds that are going to reveal that oneness to us, we are simply perpetuating our own pain because all of suffering comes from being lost in separateness.”- Krishna Das

Krishna Das: Sewing Seeds of Oneness:

https://shar.es/1smpSV

May your music, whatever that is for you, not only be heard but plant the seeds that grow into a tree whose roots break up the concrete of separateness.